Life before Chronic Illness was crazy and fun, but would I truly go back if I could? If I honestly think about the differences in my life then versus now, I’d probably find an assortment of adventures, dreams, and risks. But what I would also find is a life on autopilot.
No one expects the last time to be your time last time when it’s happening. It’s not until we are on the other side of a circumstance, condition, or reflection that we know this reality bears truth.
When your normal is no longer normal…When your body doesn’t work like it used to…When you’ve lost something that you may not have given much thought to before, your life changes…and I believe it can be for the better.
What was Life Before Chronic Illness?
Full of FOMO
It’s easy to say ‘Yes’ to everything when you have nothing holding you back. Getting up early for a workout before work, back to back coffees and meetings, networking lunches, happy hour events, followed by your best friend’s birthday party, may have you running around town meeting deadlines and start times without checking in on how you feel.
Many times when we keep saying ‘Yes’ and we go to all the things, we don’t realize the impact it can have on our body or mind until we finally catch a break. You know the feeling…when you’re too tired to do anything and finally have a night to yourself (assuming you take it).
Nowadays, we have major ‘FOMO’. FOMO (fear of missing out), is the downfall of us all lol. No one wants to miss out on the potential. The potential is the spontaneous night full of memories and laughs that everyone will talk about for the next couple of days.
In my opinion, FOMO is 50% worth it. It’s totally hit or miss. I remember the nights I would drag myself out even though I knew deep down I should stay in (queue – that gut feeling). Those nights were so stupid! A total waste of either my time, money, or energy! And I always knew it would be, but I did it anyway for the potential.
The times FOMO worked out, yes, they were great. My life on average entailed knowing the club owner (or the friends who knew them), being invited backstage, having a table at the right club, and partying with the most random but famous people.
Some of my best stories entail these very moments. But between the greatest nights and the wasteful nights, was the chase. A chase every weekend to find the best plans, with the coolest people, and hope it becomes memorable. Looking back, all I ever did was go to the SAME bars, with the SAME people, had the SAME conversation, with the SAME ending.
Unintentional
Being in the mindset of always finding the best places to go or things to do was a constant mind fuck. Before long, the more intimate plans didn’t hold the same weight. The conversations were always about other people’s lives and drama…it was about who had the new news. The invites were always followed by questions of, “but where” or “who all is going”. As if the reason to celebrate or the relationship was not enough.
After receiving a diagnosis and my healing journey began, I wanted more life, more cities around the world, more adventures that didn’t entail a concrete jungle or flat land plain, more intellectual or deep conversations, more endings to the story. I wanted intention behind all my engagements with people and at the gatherings I would decide to join.
“I’ll be happy when…”
Everything was a matter of “I’ll be happy when _____ happens.” The choices I made in a day were for the mere purpose of getting ahead or being happy when something would finally happen (as if the happening was a given lol).
It was easy to think I’ll be happy when _____ happens. But there is no guarantee that _____ will happen! Tomorrow is literally not granted. Tomorrow’s energy is unknown. Tomorrow’s pain is unknown. Why was I chasing outcomes that were uncertain and basing my happiness off it? Looking back now, it made no sense.
What is Life with Chronic Illness?
If you have been diagnosed with a Chronic Illness, you may find you are questioning everything. From “Why me” to “What’s next”, and “do I really care about this anymore”, or “what are the priorities in my life”. We all know that questioning phase. I like to explain it in the following:
Time, Energy, & Money Shift
Pain can bring us the greatest strengths and joys. For me, Chronic Pain has given me the opportunity to decide what is worth my time, energy, and money. This goes for all things….family, friends, a job, conversations, events, travel, gifts, etc., the list goes on.
I no longer say ‘Yes’ to everything. First, because I physically can’t anymore. And Second, because I usually don’t have the energy. And if I do, I then have to decide what is worth my time or money. I find the 3 of these (time, energy, and money) are my life’s currencies.
What is worth my time and money, may not be worth my energy, and vice versa, something that might be worth my time and energy, may not be worth my money. Now that I know my life’s currencies (what I give and receive), I had to decide what my priorities were and where they lay on the spectrum of these currencies.
Knowing my Priorities
Realizing I will always be giving at least one of the 3 currencies, it opened my eyes to what really mattered in my life. I decided to do the work. I would figure out my priorities as the opportunities presented itself. Don’t go backwards and search for answers just yet. I found it easiest to let the opportunities come to me and then assess them.
For instance, if I was invited to an event like someone’s dog’s birthday party (because our pets are our lives and they deserve celebrations too), I took the time to decide if this was worth my time, energy, and money. If I could answer ‘Yes’ to 3/3 I would definitely go. If I answered ‘Yes’ to only 2/3, I would need to ask more questions to decide further. (The questions were nearly always in relation to my values). And if I answered ‘Yes’ to 1/3 or 0/3, I wouldn’t go.
This made all my decisions so much easier! FOMO was behind most of my reasoning before, but now that I was in a headspace that gave me the power to decide rather than the fear in it, it changed my life.
And here’s a tip if you can’t get out of ‘FOMO mode’. Remember, that sometimes it’s okay to let people miss you 😉
Full of Purpose
Knowing what my Time, Energy, and Money were worth, and what my priorities and values are, I was able to become more intentional with everyone and everything around me. I no longer do anything as a means to an end. I no longer chase the next best thing. I no longer ignore my health in order to potentially be happy later. I choose happiness today, happiness now.
I say “no longer” but please note that I am human and sometimes I don’t, but generally speaking, I no longer unconsciously do these things, because my health and the state of my body relies on my decisions.
I believe by choosing what makes you happy and aligns with your life, you can feel you are living a life of purpose. Life with Chronic Illness gave me the opportunity to realize this. I may not go to all the parties and events, but when I do go, all of me is there. I may not know the latest gossip or current choices in others’ lives, but when I am a part of the conversation, it is positive and intentional.
Life before Chronic Illness was just as crazy and fun as the next person’s, but do I miss my life before? In parts, I do. I can’t say it’s been peachy all the time. At times, I mourn what I used to be able to do. But what I have received in mourning, has given me far more than ever before.
If you have recently been diagnosed or are currently looking for answers, know that what is to come for you is something greater than you can imagine.
