Starting this website wasn’t ever a plan of mine. If you would have told me that I would be working virtually from Italy for my 9-5 job in commercial real estate, while simultaneously building a website/blog that shares my experiences and struggles while traveling with Multiple Sclerosis, I would have laughed out loud at the thought of being that vulnerable with the world. Yet, here I am.
Does anything ever work out according to ‘our’ plan? No body plans to do anything outside of their comfort zone. Just like no body plans to have a surprise baby, no body plans to break up with their long term boyfriend, no body plans to switch careers in their mid 20s or 30s, no body plans for a death or loss…just like no body plans for an autoimmune disease, and no body plans for MS.
I know I didn’t…but here is how Multiple Sclerosis changed my perspective of the world and brought me to My Soul Purpose.
The Move
When it was finally time to move to Italy, I was ready. I tend to underestimate how tough something can be while being overly confident in myself…it’s my biggest problem at times.
For my first 3 years in the industry, all I cared about was “succeeding” or doing what I thought would get me there. Instead of taking care of my body and my needs, I went from coffees to lunches to happy hours to networking events and birthdays, each and every day.
Consitantly on the go, I was either leaving one event incredibly early or terribly late, to get to my next appointment. My days were 8:00am to 10:00pm, Mondays through Fridays. I was always on the go.
Until it wasn’t.
Fast forward to landing in Italy, once I was settled in my new home, I couldn’t help but think I had possibly made the biggest mistake of my life.
I was 3 years into the commercial real estate industry. Most people barely make it through their first or second year without giving up. I had made it this far but then I moved across the world? I freaked out.
“What if this was the downfall of my job?”, “What if I’ll never succeed?”, “What did I just do??” I poured my heart and my worries into my husband, Collin. I was overwhelmed and confused.
Italy Covid-19 cases were incredibly high that December. We were in the middle of our second lockdown. Only this time, it was more strict.
They called it the ‘Red Zone’. We couldn’t leave the house unless it was for work, exercise, groceries, the pharmacy, or tobacco shop. The ‘Red Zone’ went on for months.
The Second Opportunity
This was the now the second opportunity I had to slow down. (I explain the first on my About page).
When Covid-19 first began in March of 2020, Collin and I were living in Dallas and we confided to the walls of his small apartment, both working from home.
This time, we were living in a 2200 SF flat just 1 km from the lake. He went to work each morning, as I faced the day inside. Being in Italy, and working in Texas was not easy. Every day I was pushing myself to begin work at 3:00pm (Dallas’ 8:00am). If I wanted to work a full day I would work until about midnight my time. I did this for as long as I could before being completley burnt out.
Eventually the ‘Red Zone’ changed to the ‘Orange Zone’, and then the ‘Yellow Zone’ until finally, we were in the ‘White Zone’. As the restrictions lifted, more freedoms were given. Businesses were reopening and we were able to venture outside for more than just exercise.
As the reopenings continued, I was finding myself choose between working all evening or meeting up with new friends. Further than that, I was again putting myself on the back burner. My body was exhausted. Depleted from working abnormal hours, while trying to maintain a home and a life of my own.
If I was working from 3:00pm to 10:00pm or 12:00am during the week for my Texas job, I was missing out on experiencing the Italian culture and new friendships. And if I went with those friends and attended those outings, I felt guilty for not working my job which would stress me out more. Most importantly, my body was screaming at me. It needed to be taken care of. My Multiple Sclerosis could not longer come 2nd or 3rd. It needed to come 1st.
The New Road Ahead
To ground myself during this chaos, I relied on my mournings alone after Collin left for work. I would read, listen to podcasts, journal, do a yoga class, practice Italian, study recipes, practice cooking, took care of my garden, or took a walk along the lake before it was time to start working (8:00am Dallas ~ 3:00pm Milan time).
While doing this, I felt good. I was eating good, I was working out, I was learning new things.
I had just moved to this beautiful country with my new husband, I had a job while others may not, I had a home and a bed to sleep in, I was experiencing and learning more than ever before. But, I still wasn’t completely happy.
It. Didn’t. Make. Sense. I was shedding all my leaves, I was aware that my values and principles were more aligned with who I was now. Once again, I prayed to the Universe, God, the Earth, all of it. I asked the Universe to show me a sign. To show me what was next.
Mind you, at this time my spiritual awakening was ramping up. I was on the verge of exploding and didn’t know it yet.
Life will always give you experiences and opportunities that are most aligned with the evolution of your consciousness. That’s why I’ve called them my ‘opportunities’ throughout this post.
I used to stress over my options. Half the time I had 2 really good, win-win situations that I would get myself worked up over. The experience that is right for you, is the exact one you are currently going through.
The world does not work against you, it is on your team, it wants the very best for you. And once I realized this, the possibility of success surmounted even more for me. I do not look too far ahead and I certainly bring myself back to center if I drift into fear and worry.
Knowing What Was Next
Multiple Sclerosis. On my About page I talk briefly about the events that lead to my diagnosis after my 20th birthday. Since then, I rarely have talked about my MS. I think by the time I was 23 only my closest friends and family knew I had the condition. To me, it didn’t define me. I wasn’t going to attach it to me and I certainly didn’t want anyone to meet me and then judge me or think differently of me. And so I told no one! haha.
If I shared that I had MS, it was in a very thoughtful way that shed light on the disease, that brought education and knowledge to its existence. I was published in the Voyage magazine’s “Hidden Gem” feature where I explained for the first time to the corporate world what it was like ‘Working with MS’. (I still laugh at the irony in the highlight’s Title “Hidden Gem“. It was so fitting).
After the release, so many people reached out to me in total shock. Others reached out to me and connected me with someone they knew or asked if I would talk to them or help them. I remembered the significance I felt in helping others. I thought of this when I started reflecting on the past year, physically and professionally.
The funny part about my MS is when I am vulnerable with my disability or I share something close to my heart about it, it is always well received. I want my MS to be a way to connect me with people who were also suffering, or who knew others that have suffered. My hope is to be there for people on a deeper level through inspiration and awareness. I knew that for sure.
Since my diagnosis, I have lived as normal as possible while consciously deciding to ‘fly under the radar’. Having an Autoimmune disease makes ‘coasting’ pretty easy on the outside. AI diseases are also known as the “Invisible disease”. On surface level, you would never know I had Multiple Sclerosis. You would never know I was suffering. It is extremely misleading and I have a love-hate relationship with the concept.
Finding My Soul Purpose
For me, I am extremely fortunate to have the health I do right now. I know that others’ conditions are more challenging than mine.
I do not know what my physical state will be 30 years from now, 10 years from now, or the next 2 years. I do not know what 10 years from now will look like when I might want to have kids (if I can have them) at that point. I do not know when the day will come, IF it will come at all, when I won’t be able to walk or will need a wheelchair. I do not know when the day will come that my speech impairment takes over, IF it takes over. I do not know when the day will come, IF it will come, that I will be ‘immobile’ like many MS patients in their elder age. (Side note, I think the phrase “bed ridden” has a negative connotation so I decided to use immobile here).
With so many IFs, it can be really easy to get side tracked down the rabbit hole of fear and anxiety. It is so easy to wonder “What is the purpose of my MS?”, “Why me?”, “What is all of this for?”
These questions were on one of my last journal entries before I founded MS Purpose. Through my months of stillness I realized that I had been living backwards. My perspective was backwards. My mindset was backwards. What I had asked the Universe, God, Earth, the Energy and Angels to show me shouldn’t have been what the purpose of my MS was.
Instead, I should have been asking, “What is my My Soul purpose?” My Soul had been asking this question all along and all along I had it within me.
The truth is, I don’t know what tomorrow is going to look like. I don’t know what next month or next year will look like. So why the hell not do it right now? Why would I not move to Italy right now? Why would I not travel the world and be as intimate with the present moment as possible? Why not start this blog to connect and inspire others who are also suffering?
What you Do + How you Do It + Your State of Consciousness + The Purpose for Doing What You Do
–Ekhart Tole
The Shift
I remembered one of Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations podcast with the guest speaker Wes Moore. Wes Moore shines light on a life that has meaning. In summary, my takeaway was this, “What your work is, and what your job is, are 2 totally different things.”
Your Job, is what you do. Your Work, is what you were born to do. This is where it all made sense for me. I realized My Job and My Work were different. I had been trying to make My Job happen, when I was ignoring the Work I had within me all along.
My Job was commercial real estate, my Work held greater purpose. What I had been doing the entire time was trying to be extraordinary in my Job, rather than using my Work or my Purpose, to be extraordinary, by being exactly who I was, exactly where I was at in life.
All my mornings alone, my spiritual awakening, and by listening to my body I was able to align myself with the present moment…to this exact moment.
I realized, I am exactly where I am supposed to be. The Purpose of my MS, was really my MS Purpose…My Soul Purpose.
I needed to connect with others who are suffering and share my experiences, and help bring them to the present moment. I needed to build this website and be vulnerable and open in my struggle living and traveling abroad with an autoimmune, invisible disease.
I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and so are you.
