One of the symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis, the invisible autoimmune disease, is Vertigo. Many people with MS can experience vertigo. Whether it be on a low scale, high scale, or no scale, everyone’s experience and symptoms of their Autoimmune disease is different.
As for me, I never really experienced vertigo. In fact, I ruled that symptom out for myself. Often times what I forget, is that my symptoms can change as the years do. What I may have experienced a lot of at one point in my life, I may rarely experience now, and vice versa.
What I thought was vertigo that I was experiencing during my weekend trip to Florence, was more than the MS symptom I have recently been challenged with.
I had seen many bloggers take pictures at the famous, Piazzale Michelangelo. Each of them posing on the railing with the beautiful city below. I didn’t think I would have an issue doing the same as these other bloggers, so, off Collin and I went in the early morning to beat the crowds.
The Experience
As we got to the top, the views were breathtaking. There was a hot air balloon traveling over the river as we took in the golden colors of the sunrise hitting the beautiful red roofs.
I put my hands on the concrete railing, did a 3 little jumps to build my momentum before taking a large jump off the ground. As my arms straightened in front of me, my feet were floating in the air. My shoulders were up to my ears as I held myself up. I had enough leg strength this morning to swirl my first leg over the rail, followed slowly by my second, before I lowered down into a seated position. I grabbed the back of the railing behind me with both hands, as my posture straightened with my shoulders back and heart out. My legs were dangling off the rail, crossed at my feet.
My husband was behind me, ready to take all the pictures I had showed him and envisioned. When all of a sudden, I looked down. I have never been afraid of heights.
I love rollercoasters and all things adrenaline. So much so, I used to sit in the very front of every ride at six flags. Heights were exciting, never scary. But once I looked down, I experienced the wildest, scariest sensation.
I had looked down towards the trees and rose bushes that laid in a nice arrangement along the rolling hill beneath me. The ground was roughly 25+ ft from where I was seated. The only thing between me and the view of Florence, was the air between us. The overwhelming sensation occurred through a jumble of thoughts.
My Thoughts
You are up high. You are seated. You are holding onto this railing. The ground is there. You are not on the ground. You must get to the ground. The ground is safe. You are not safe here. You can only get to the ground my jumping. If you jump, you will be safe. No, I cannot jump. Jumping is unsafe. You do not need to jump. You need help. How do you get help. How do I ask for help. Where is help. Your husband. Call for him. Call for him louder, he can not hear you. Open your mouth. Say something. Say anything. Scream. Cry. Say help.
“Collin,” I said.
“Yeah babe,” he said.
“Collin please…”, I said.
“What babe,” he said, unable to hear me.
“Collin help!” I mumbled.
“Help, help me,” I said as loud as I could. It felt silent.
“Please help me” I think I said again.
“Now, get me, please!” I screamed in panic.
I was screaming inside for what felt like 5 entire minutes. I body had completely frozen in place, including my voice. Unable to tell the difference between what was safe and dangerous. Unable to even open my mouth. I had forgetten how to speak, forgotten how to ask for help. I had a lump in my throat. I was so scared I wanted to cry but I couldn’t even do that.
The ground felt like it was getting closer while my legs below felt like they were already falling forward. My entire body went from scared to frozen and confused. The entire time this happened, my arms were still glued to the back of the railing, thankfully.
I had been fighting the voice in my head (my Ego) on what was more safe. Jumping to safety or somehow getting back over the edge. My mind was fighting what to do while my body experienced sensations that I was already falling, as if my mind had made a decision already. When I wasn’t feeling like I was falling, I was dizzy, as if I would have fallen over at any second.
I’ve never been suicidal or have had thoughts to hurt myself so I was very confused where this was coming from.
The Rescuing
Collin ran up to me and wrapped his arms around me. I quickly grabbed onto him for dear life. I froze again. I could barely get my legs back over the rail and onto the floor behind me. Collin looked at me with immense concern asking what he had just witnessed. I was traumatized. I had never experienced a sensation with the falling and dizziness. But I had also never had my brain think such wild, controversing thoughts.
I explained literally just that. The thoughts in my head and the sensations I had experienced. I told him how confused I was. He was confused too.
When I mentioned it to a friend she later sent me the article, “The Call of the Void,” which is what the french call it apparently. It matched my experience perfectly.
Scientists have also called it the ‘high place phenomenon’ and it can happen to non-suicidal people. I know it was a mixup between my consciousness and subconscious sending signals to each other.
However, with Multiple Sclerosis, the nerves that allow these messages to travel from the brain to the rest of our bodies have been severely damaged and eaten away. These messages and signals are already slowed or delayed by nature.
For me, it was clearly a delayed message between what was safe and what I should do, versus what was dangerous and what I shouldn’t do, unable to tell the difference for quite some time before my brain finally figured it out. It was all surreal.
I am not worried about myself, my thoughts or this experience. After reading that more than 50% of people have felt or do feel this occasionally (as it appears in different ways throughout our lives), I felt better knowing what it was.
The Call of the Void…
